A voice to be heard

"You Don't need a loud voice to be heard. All you need is something worthwhile to say." 

I am not sure who was the first person that ever said that quote, but that isn't the point. As these days pass from my last post I've opened up my computer countless times, and I sit and stare at this blank white page. I get up, reheat my coffee, change tables, change chairs, do laundry, make my bed (all the things I despise, but always seem perfect to do when you are not sure of what to write.)  Anyways, after several days (years really) of soul searching and talking with a couple mentors of mine and I come to this unending conclusion... I am afraid. 

There are several things that bring me to fear at times, but for the sake of this blog, I will tell you that I am most afraid of thinking like someone else or taking someone else's words. But wasn't that the point of those peoples words anyway? To make us think outside of our own box and to inspire us to look deeper into our thoughts and those of others? Speaking only for myself, there have been many quotes and scripture that give me reasons for my actions, and answers to my questions. They have pointed me into the right direction, sure it didn't make any sense at the time, but it gave me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and do the next right thing. This right thing for me could be the wrong thing for someone else, but for me, it shouldn't matter if someone thinks I'm wrong, what matters is that I know in my heart that I am doing right by God.  I believe that God already knows the state of my heart, He knows that my heart is open and ready to receive all that He calls me to do. "I will bless the Lord that guides me; even at night, my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me." A Psalm from David, Psalm 16: 7-8. 

For those that don't know, psalms are several lyrics to prayers written by King David and other prayerful authors, in the Old Testament. I will not claim to have any true knowledge on this book of Psalms, because I am not a theologian, nor did I study the bible in school. My only knowledge is my opinion and the thoughts and feeling I get when I read them. And if you look through a couple you will notice that these prayers from a very Holy man, was also very human. Prayers for joy, prayers for healing, prayers for sadness and prayers for anger. All of which I go through on any normal week.. yes I go through all of those emotions throughout most of my weeks. Take Psalm 30, David starts his prayer in thanksgiving, "I will praise you Lord, for you have rescued me. You have refused to let my enemies triumph over me. (Psalms 30:1) then in the middle, verses 8-10, "I cried out to you Lord...What will you gain if I die? Can my dust tell the world of your faithfulness? Hear me Lord, have mercy on me, help me O Lord." Then finally at the end in verse 11, David says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing..O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" I am almost certain that this is how I may sound to Husband just about every day, like a freakin' emotional rollercoaster. And this is why I find peace and comfort within the book of psalms, it reminds me that non-American people a long time ago, were not much different than me. 

With that being said, those that truly know me, know that I can completely erase all my positivity with one feather of a doubt. It is in the moment when I feel closest to Jesus, it is that same moment when the devil will attack me. His best strategy...  bringing me people that I love the most to help dig a deep hole of doubt within my chest cavity, trying so hard to get to my heart that I begin to question all that I know to be true.

"Though I sit in darkness, the Lord himself is my light, I will rise again." (Micah 7:8)

One thing I have to keep in mind is that we were all designed to know God's grace, but we are all not ready to recognize it. >>One day when my son, Boy #1, yelled for me from across the room asking me to see and read something... While squinting and straining to see what he had in his hand I said, "Honey, I can't see what your trying to tell me. " and he said, "Mommy, you need to put on your glasses." and sure enough, after putting on my glasses I could see more clearly.  From the mouth of the babe... I often hear more truth from my children than the most educated men and women I know. << Some people may think that this is the easy way to live, to live for Jesus, to walk with him, and cast all reason and troubles onto him, But I'm here to tell you, it's not easy in the least! To walk with Jesus is a constant state of learning, it is as if you are in school for the rest of your life and never knowing when the final exam will be. And every time I leave class I feel a strong desire to come back for more.

This season of life for me is just the first step of letting go of the control I never had in the first place. This is the beginning of my grief or of my next adventure, this is the starting of my "new normal".

A couple more fears that continuously hold me back; its best to just get them out in the open right now:

• I am afraid to offend people that I love or make them feel like I do not include them in my love. 
• I'm afraid writing things that everyone else has already written, 
• I'm afraid of misspelling words, and not getting my grammar just right.  
• I'm afraid that people may misread me as trying to be "perfect"
• I'm afraid, people may get the idea that I have it all together and figured out.
• I'm afraid of being boastful for myself and not giving enough glory to God, 
• I'm afraid of speaking too much about God and coming off as a "bible thumper" ... whatever that means, but I've been called it before 😌

Basically, as I am afraid to be not enough and too much at the same time.